Toledo votes Forbes "Most Miserable Magazine"

Bunchs Lunchbox  |  02/04/2012 7:00 am

The City of Toledo recently released its Top Ten Most Miserable Magazine's List. Forbes topped the list at number one, with Newsweek coming in a close second, and Men's Health rounding it out for third. The remaining seven places included other recognizable names like Tiger Beat, Pizza Today, and Walking.

The study was based on statistics, including past arbitrary assessments of Toledo, nauseousness caused by reading the content, number of not interesting but expensive-looking photos in each issue, and overall suckness of the publication.

“Forbes is a real piece of #$%@,” cited Mayor Mike Bell. “We piled all the @#$% up, and that was clearly, right from the start, the biggest, stinkiest pile of $#%@ on the table. It stunk to high heaven. We actually keep in the bathroom up here now, because #$%@ like this only really deserves the company of other $%#@,” he said.

The Mayor noted that Newsweek's runner-up status was secured by it's publishing of P.J. O'Rourke's (pictured bottom right) 2011 recollection of his hometown. “That mother#$%&er hasn't lived here in 50 $%#@ing years. Who the @#$% writes some $%#@ about some #$@% they knew 50 $%#@ing years ago? I $%#@ed O'Rourke's $%#!@ @$$ momma 50 years ago, and I ain't still braggin' on that like a $%#@ing $#@%, am I?!” the Mayor said. When asked if he planned to respond to O'Rourke's shoddy, bottom-rung recollection, Mr. Bell offered, “Yeah, I'm gonna whoop his $#%@#@!%$ $%#&@ mother$%!@ing #$%&@ #$@% when I see the #$%@!%$@$%&$#@! next, that's how Mike $#%@#&%$#!@ing Bell responds.”

As for Men's Health, the Mayor said he enjoys the “fruitful and fun” Creotine shake recipes, but doesn't understand why “they'd ruin all that great content and sexy pictures” with critical assessments of the city he loves so much. “My theory is that my neighbor's kid, Davy ? this squirrelly little punk who could get laid if you threw a $%&#! at his $%&# ? he went to work there in New York. I think he's just hatin'. There ain't no facts in that mess, that's just Davy all salty cause he about turned himself into jerked pork just tryin' to get outta high school,” the Mayor said. “$%&# Davy,” he added.

Outside of the Verizon store in East Toledo, an effort to obtain community feedback on the ruling was futile. A woman clad in denim sweats head to toe claimed she “Ain't read sheeet,” in 25 years, and another man, sporting a cut-off Coed Naked shirt and a Tazmanian Devil bicep tattoo said he'd never heard of Forbes, Newsweek, Men's Health, P.J. O'Rourke, or Mayor Bell. “They all sound like a bunch a faggots though,” he said, exclaiming with a spat of “chaw juice,” “You some kind a faggot too, faggot?” he asked in follow-up. 

The City's Top Ten list will be published next month in the Mayor's Office's new publication, Yen-Wan Weekwy, after it's “printed at slave labor wages and shipped back from China,” Mayor Bell said.  

*For anyone who has absolutely no understanding of sarcasm or humor in general, the mayor did not actually say the words in this article.